the end is near (pros and cons)

this is what my schedule looks like for the next two months:

until the end of november: finish work at inwent.

1 dec - 30 dec: india. landing in bombay, then going to a wedding in bangalore, then to tirupati to visit paternal grandparents, puttaparthi to the sai baba ashram to do community service, then one week in hyderabad to visit my maternal grandmother + family. my relatives are very loving, but also very overprotective (i guess thats all indian families), so we'll see how it goes.

31 dec - 13 jan: back in berlin. i might travel during this time, i'm not sure. i'll also be talking to my mentor about my fulbright research, etc. then since he mentioned the possibility of it being published (really, printed) by his think tank. i'm also going to apply for at least two jobs here in berlin before i go, so hopefully i'll have interviews to attend to as well.

going back is complicated. only my friend neha so far has asked me how i feel about all of this. i guess because she searched for work in a foreign country as well, she understands how it's not simple.

i think the problem is that i dont know what i want. staying would be nice, but i also feel like this is a good time to go back to dc. it's hard to explain why. but on the other hand i dont want to go back to dc, see all of its (many) flaws and wonder why i idealized it when i was back in berlin. ive always been surprised that there are people that have such enthusiasm for the city (those people are usually nerdy political people or lawyers (or both), so i guess that says something too). ideally i should just try in both places and let fate decide, but i feel so helpless and unmotivated to start the whole process in germany, even though i have my cv in german/european style as well as a rough template for a cover letter. at the same time i know how stupid it is to give up. i guess its never too late to be proactive though, since i do have a little less than two months before i actually leave. what do i have to lose, anyway?