speaking english in germany

Conversation with a good friend Dan on speaking English here in Germany. Last night I got particularly frustrated because a friend ("a friend") told me he had no interest in speaking German to me because he'd have to speak more slowly and clearly in order to make sure I understand - despite the fact that I've always understood him when he spoke and have never given him any reason to believe that I don't. and he isn't the first person to say that...

me: yo
Sent at 09:09 on Friday
Dan: aloha
me: how are you?
Sent at 09:11 on Friday
Dan: TERRIBLE
me: me too
why are you terrible?
Dan: aw, i'm sorry
i'm actually not that bad
i was kidding around
me: haha
oh im just annoyed because people h ere are basically like "if your german isnt perfect we're not going to bother"
i mean, thats a cynical attitude
but
its true in many cases
today i got an email from a colleague
addressed to three germans and me
and the email was in ENGLISH
WHY WOULD THE EMAIL BE IN ENGLISH
Dan: ...this is why you are terrible?
me: and sometimes in a group conversation someone random will just start speaking english to me
because i always have something to prove here
thats what sucks
Dan: ah
well
you are a foreigner
me: and people are condescending about it
Dan: it's only to be expected
me: I know - its part of the territory
but here its an official work environment, I don't know why people are doing this
and when I share my progress reports at the "Monday meetings" people always sort of titter
and I'm like "..."
Dan: oh come on - this country requires you to supply a photograph and tell people whether you're single or not on your resume
clearly their idea of "work environment" differs from ours
me: and I ask friends later if what I said was funny and they're like "no I could imagine that I would say the same thing"
true - good memory
Dan: I actually have to say that despite your love for it Germany doesn't seem to be doing very well by you
me: I think that's all over in Europe
what does "doing well by you" mean?
Dan: doing you any favors
helping you out
me: yeah - career wise the us is 4000 better for me
but I like it here
Dan: what makes it better?
aside from the fact that it's different?
me: well, I do like speaking German
Dan: ...
me: a lot
Dan: live in Pennsylvania
me: lol
not with those crazies
Dan: or in some other German community. you get my point
me:
right - I mean, other than a few close friendships I have no reason to stay really
other than I have an interest in the politics, but I'm (at least theoretically) interested in British and Indian politics too
but i just feel overall happier here
its not because its different
Dan: has it occurred to you that your happiness may come from age or distance from your family or some other thing unrelated to Germany itself?
me: it did - I could also imagine myself happy in London, for example
or somewhere in the uk
(ok i just love the idea of the uk recently)
so its not just Germany, but I do have a special interest in Germany that I don't for most other places
so its not like I could just as easily live in Italy or something
Dan: are you sure? if this doesn't come from anything intrinsic it seems like you could control it if you wanted to
me: I could, to an extent - that's why I enjoyed my year in Hong Kong
but its also exhausting starting from scratch
and I know that is a large part of moving to a new country
and I just don't think its likely that ill be doing that
in fact, ill avoid it
Sent at 09:22 on Friday
Dan: not sure what you mean by that last part
anyway, if you are starting to feel down about the way people treat you there, it sounds to me like it's time for you to move on.
me: I was thinking about that last night when I was upset
but its not everyone who's like that, and the question is whether its enough people that ruin the overall experience
Dan: no, actually, it isn't
even if it's not everyone
the fact is that the atmosphere there is losing its charm for you
why would you want to wait until it starts to get really bad?
me: because its not going to get progressively worse; its been like this since the beginning
its just something I either have to learn to deal with or not
Dan: you didn't always get this upset about it
me: I didn't share it
because it felt disloyal to the people who were really kind
and who want to speak English but don't
because they know I'm here to learn German
Dan: well, something has changed, because you are saying it now
me: well, I guess because I lived with two of those people before and now I live with someone who is like the type I described above so it changes a lot. Also now it happens at work, whereas the think tank I was working before was pretty conservative and they were therefore really enthusiastic about people learning German and super patient with me when I had troubles.
and in the beginning I didn't think too much of it because its a big cliché about Germans (that they don't let you speak German) so I was also prepared for it
Dan: well, at the very least it hasn't gotten better
so when do you expect yourself to "learn to deal with it"?
me: but its just the culture - its not supposed to get better, its just the way it is
Dan: that doesn't make it more tolerable
nor does it mean that you should tolerate it
me: I guess I figured if my German got better people wouldn't do it anymore, but they still do. That's another big question, whether they speak English to me because of their interest or to (basically) insult me
but there are intolerable things everywhere
Dan: are there?
I haven't found that to be true at all
me: sure, in Washington dc people are incredibly flaky and superficial and really toolish, for example
and really career obsessed
but it doesn't mean there aren't other things I like about the city that'd make it a good place for me to live
and even if you have a good friend circle, its hard to avoid these people in dc
Dan: there's a difference between having personality flaws and taking those flaws out on other people
if someone's a tool you can just avoid them
me: but the sheer arrogance and pitbull/showoff debating style of people is so pervasive i find it difficult to avoid
Dan: well, that's reasonable
so maybe D.C. isn't the place for you either
that doesn't mean there isn't one
me: but it is, there are so many other great things about it
the huge number of young people, proximity to home, people interested in making a difference, being a great place for politics in general
Dan: the world is full of great things and great places with great people
you could convince yourself to be happy in a lot of places
me: no place is perfect, which is why I don't hold it against Germany that some (many) people here are just really annoying
Dan: the trick is to find the one that doesn't upset you
also, you don't know that
granted, no place is literally perfect
but there may very well be a place that's perfect for you
the fact that you haven't found it yet
doesn't mean it doesn't exist
me: I'm just saying every place has drawbacks, and how upset I get over them is a matter of getting used to it, i think
Dan: I disagree
me: I used to get really upset by the arrogant/pitbull types
Dan: I totally disagree, in fact
yes, every place has "drawbacks"
but some drawbacks appeal to some people
me: evangelical Christians used to bother me in high school, but then I got used to it
Dan: and some piss them off even more than most
you just need to find the place whose drawbacks you like
me: I like Berlin's other drawbacks (I don't really know any other cities here)
me: I mean, there are a lot of bums and homeless people, but it gives the city an alternative edge and laid back personality
Dan: /nod
me: yeah - I don't know if when I'm angry I'm thinking clearly (that I don't want to stay here) or whether I'm not (ignoring all the good stuff)
me: I should also clarify that some people say to me pretty directly they don't want to speak German to me because they'll have to speak more slowly or more clearly, and still others say very plainly "well my English is better than your German so I'm not going to bother"
so the fear is that basically when someone speaks English to me
its because they've judged me rather than because they have their own interest
Dan: i got that
me: and its not even like we're somewhere where the English language is inaccessible
like
if we were in Japan or something
I wouldn't mind, really
because I know that knowledge of English represents a lot (prestige, access, jobs, etc.) to people abroad
and getting opportunities to go to the uk/us/etc. is difficult
but like its GERMANY. England is seriously right there
Dan: mhm
me: its like a 10 pound flight away - and they have work permit so its not like they couldn't just get some waitressing job or something
I brought that up with two people and they were like "its just so logistically difficult"
(...)
Dan: lame...
me: seriously, I haven't ever heard anything lamer
and I go out of my way to be pc and not judge
me: the greatest part is that most people here live in this myth that foreigners dont speak German
(self-fulfilling prophecy?)
Dan: haha, definitely
me: a few weeks ago I was getting hair done from a guy and his boss was supervising. Both spoke to me in German. Then later my hairdresser and i were chitchatting and I told him I was from the us
then he told his boss (it fit with the conversation) and then the boss was like "oh? from the US? i was speaking GERMAN to you earlier..." ...as if she should have spoken anything else?
Dan: well, Americans don't have a great reputation for blending
could be they have much lower expectations for us
me: true

*s*i*g*h*